Have you ever had that moment where all you wanted was the earth to open up and swallow you? Oh yeh, and add to that all memory of what just occurred get erased? Forever, and ever to the point where a new healthy mindset get implemented?
Enter Exploring Sexuality which shapes us in many different ways. From the seen and unseen. Like being pulled in the undercurrent and bought back to the surface. Sometimes it can be years before one realises what a soul shaping experience something was, which initially seemed dark and gloom.
I was always a seeker of love and relating. As a youngster I was fascinated listening and hearing to the adults of my heritage, and growing up in an Australian society where I could sense my friend’s experiences vastly different.
I felt my passion arise at a young age, wooed by our families friend son where an off shoot relationship sprouted. The stigma with having a boyfriend let alone male friends outside of family circle was a no no. And so one did what they had to – develop a false self that started to lead to the loss of a potential true self.
Hiding away and leading separate agendas is tough work! Our bodies take on enough in trying to contain our true nature let alone all the other aliases that can form in our shaping years!
Looking back, I could see all the times males repressed my sensuality. At home, in the workplace, in society. Educated in a Bachelor of Science, my work involved ultra sterile protective clothing to make vaccines. From the large glass window, gender was undefinable.
When many of my friends turned 18, it was normal to buy part of the gift as a sexual innuendo or gag. So leading up to it, I expected to be ‘surprised’ with a token sex toy and a proper present. The surprise was on me! I got a golden bullet vibrator and some chocolates! I remember looking into the gift box and seeing if I missed something. Nope, my friends felt the whole money pool was worthy of a vibrator.
What was one to do? I ate the chocolate.
Now, I shared a room with my sister and my folks slept in the adjacent room. So there was no private time nor encouragement growing up for exploration.
And this golden weapon was too intriguing to throw away. So the next best thing was for it to go into hiding. Hidden deep under a cupboard and occasionally hoping I could get some ME time. It was hidden so deep from being found that I had forgotten about it. Ah the psyche depths we hold.
All this hiding has an impact. Being out of integrity to ourselves costs us at some stage. My body was sending me different messages to my actions. Wanting to explore relating, love, sex and sensuality with ease and yet buring my desire to conform to familial norms. What I longed for was to increase my confidence in my own feelings and wishes. To become a maturing woman psychologically and in alignment with my healthy sexual exploration. Instead of denying this need and masking it with illusions.
That Golden Bullet got to see the true light. Presented with all its lustre, like Exhibit A with both my folks being Judge and Jury. So now can the Earth swallow me up? I wasn’t even concerned about memory loss and reprogramming at that time – just the full on suck me down and keep me there feeling.
The shaming, the disappointment, the interrogation was excruciating. Pulling teeth anaesthetised was a better option at that time.
Years later this day kept inviting itself back in. At first I thought it was ongoing karma of evil against my parents. But it was not that at all. It was the knocking on the door to allow everything that I spent years pushing down to come up, be revealed to the surface and be seen without judgment.
If I was allowed to be seen, heard and witnessed that day, my folks would have felt my deepest truth. I would have felt their compassion and acceptance and even a sense of humour. I would have felt the gift of watching myself grow exponentially as a human being.
My experiences, revelations, illusions and feelings all cultivate my inner truth to be explored. Years later, I embraced the teachings of Tantra and embodiment. It was within these spaces that I recall the gap between feeling my wholeness versus the cost of abandonment and being misunderstood.
So I bit the golden bullet. Using my past shaping to shape a future of sexually liberated and embodied people. Oh if my folks could see me now. As a Certified Tantric Alchemist the lived experience and embodiment has revolutionised my relationships. And now I help people heal and release their past patterning and stigmas around sex and relationships.
Are you game to bite your golden bullet to search for more of yourself?
You can revolutionise your relationships and the relating within yourself. When we feel close to our wounds, irrespective of how old they are, feel the freedom in mourning what you missed at that crucial time.
And the next time you are with another, do what you can so that they can truly feel you there with them. Knowing that if a person feels emotionally secure in your presence they won’t be afraid of allowing their truth to come forth. And you can then sense that for yourself in the presence of another.