Sexual intimacy can bring so much richness to your life. We often think only about the physical side of sex, but there is so much power in sexual connection. Intimate practices enable you to form deep, human connections and to connect with another person on a physical, mental, and spiritual level. It is a powerful collaboration of souls. Sexual intimacy also allows you to access the deepest parts of yourself. But, with all of that richness comes a level of vulnerability.
When intimacy reaches its peak and resolution, you may be left wondering “Is this all?” or worse—feeling terribly sad and alone. If you have experienced this low after the high of sexual intimacy, you are certainly not alone.
Many women report post-coital feelings of sadness, loneliness, fear, emptiness, or even feeling as if something has been “taken” from them. It is truly unfortunate that many of us are not aware that others are experiencing similar feelings, and we suffer in silence out of fear that there is something abnormal about our situation.
In fact, it would surprise many women to learn that a recent study found that almost half of women regularly experience what experts are calling “post-coital dysphoria” or “post-coital tristesse.” This medical term describes the short-term feeling of depression that can be felt after lovemaking, and it is caused by hormonal imbalances.
The Causes of Sexual Sadness
When we have sex, a multitude of different hormones are released into the bloodstream, particularly endorphins, prolactin, and oxytocin. These are known as “bonding” hormones, and are some of the same as those released during other fundamental human bonding activities, such as breastfeeding. These chemicals help to cultivate feelings of love and closeness in a powerful alchemy.
However, after the peak of sexual excitement and orgasm, these chemicals slowly clear from the body. This clearing can feel like a far way to fall from the peak of intimate bonding, and can leave an emptiness in its place as you separate from the physical and emotional connection you just experienced.
Separation is a natural part of life: from birth to death we experience different layers of separation. However, we need to find ways to care for ourselves and find wholeness and harmony to balance out these feelings of emptiness that can be experienced. We can start by embracing the vulnerability that comes with sexual intimacy and finding the courage to allow ourselves to be vulnerable.
Vulnerability and Courage
When we experience sexual sadness, we can become fearful about letting ourselves be vulnerable, especially if post-coital dysphoria is a frequent occurrence. However, it is important to bear in mind that vulnerability is a powerful mechanism for making meaningful connections.
As author, speaker, and vulnerability expert Brené Brown has written, “Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
When we become overly fearful of experiencing pain, we can become blocked. This can lead to issues forming a strong bond with your partner. Find the courage to discover your light. This begins with self-care practices that will enable you to avoid suffering without shutting out sexual intimacy.
Self-Care Practices
Being vulnerable with your partner during sexual intimacy does not imply a need for suffering. I strongly encourage you to cultivate self-care practices for yourself in order to preserve your mental health and feel strong and supported in your daily life—both inside and outside of the bedroom.
One fundamental place to begin is by staying active. Embrace the natural strength your body holds, particularly in a non-sexual context. Your body is amazingly powerful and complex. Get in touch with the ebb and flow of your hormone cycle—the rush you feel during a run, the calm you feel when you do a calming yoga practice, and so on. Getting more in tune with your natural hormone cycle will help you to identify the natural ups and downs your body can experience.
Another key area of self-care is to include your partner in the journey you are experiencing. Women, you can ask for the support you need from your partner, whether that is in the form of cuddles after the peak of sexual intimacy or calming touch throughout the day and outside of the bedroom. Deepening the intimate practices in your relationship can help you to achieve a sense of balance and awareness. It is of the upmost importance to ensure both partners can talk openly and frankly about this.
Finally, I invite you to reach out to me for more personal attention via my website. We can discuss your personal experiences in detail and get to the root of your sexual sadness. You don’t need to suffer alone. Reach out today, and we can begin to construct your plan for self-care together.
